just when you thought you could see under siege 2
by silentbob2
Summary: six stories about one story: We follow John(RE:the war) in his journey to smalltown usa in order to infiltrate an umbrella facility with the assitance of low rent hitman Spike as they encounter hunters, bandersnatchs, and talking apes


Just when you thought you could watch Under Siege 2…  
  
FADE IN:  
  
1  
  
2 INT-BEDROOM-DAY  
  
Even though daylight has started to fill a small messy bedroom the figure resting on the bed continues with his slumber. The alarm clock in the nighttable beside the bed marks 5:59, it switches to 6:00 and a bothersome alarm fills the room. We hear grunting coming from the bed, a hand starts searching for something in the floor, the ringing stops as the clock is sent flying to the wall by gunshot, the phone starts ringing and two other shots are fired resulting in holes in the walls who actually complement the small room. Strong rumbling is felt in the floor and the figure, John sits on the bed now fully awake and annoyed.  
  
JOHN  
  
What do you want now, MS. Goldstein?  
  
MS. GOLDSTEIN  
  
Are you cooking up there?  
  
JOHN  
  
No!  
  
MS. GOLDSTEIN  
  
Are you executing someone?  
  
JOHN  
  
No!  
  
MS. GOLDSTEIN  
  
Well just keep it quiet up there, I'm trying to sleep!  
  
JOHN  
  
(Quietly)  
  
Mystery Science Theater like a motherfucker, huh, MS. Goldstein?  
  
MS. GOLDSTEIN  
  
What!?  
  
JOHN  
  
Nothing!  
  
The phone continues its ringing, finally John picks it up.  
  
JOHN  
  
Make it fast and sexy.  
  
Heavy breathing is heard on the other side of the line, finally a low booming voice speaks.  
  
VOICE  
  
Mr. Nolan, you do not know who I am nor shall you care, meet me in the park in one hour or you shall face the consequences.  
  
John smiles in recognition.  
  
JOHN  
  
Roger, is that you?  
  
VOICE  
  
(Desperate)  
  
No!  
  
JOHN  
  
(sarcastic)  
  
Oh, I'm sorry voice, didn't mean to awaken your dormant wrath awaiting to surface.  
  
VOICE  
  
(Regaining composture)  
  
Quite alright, but never do it again.  
  
JOHN  
  
(Mockingly)  
  
Say, voice, can I ask you a question?  
  
VOICE  
  
Go on.  
  
JOHN  
  
(Singing)  
  
Have you ever met my good friend Roger? He's the biggest pig in the whole wide world, he's a mean old pig and he's got bad hair but no matter cause he's a fucking pig! Pig, pig, pig, pig ,pig, pig, pig , pig , pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig and he's a fucking pig! Break it down!  
  
He puts the cordless phone on the floor and he starts tap dancing to the rhytm of the song as the loud thumping under the floor begins again.  
  
MS. GOLDSTEIN  
  
Stop it!  
  
A voice comes from the phone but it's no longer the deep mysterious voice from before, it's now a little high and yes, squealing voice.  
  
ROGER  
  
Yeah man, listen to the old bitch!  
  
MS. GOLDSTEIN  
  
What did you call me?  
  
ROGER  
  
Nothing!  
  
JOHN  
  
Sorry about that, MS. Goldstein!  
  
John picks up the phone while Roger rambles on.  
  
JOHN  
  
Hey, Roger, how you doing good friend?  
  
ROGER  
  
I was doing ok until you started that pig song. You've seen way too many movies and I think you should know not to mock people with problems.  
  
JOHN  
  
Hey, it's just the way society raised me and if it makes you feel better, I almost fell into your little trick there.  
  
ROGER  
  
(Excited)  
  
Really!  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah, I actually thought it was a person whose life I ruined in one of those nights of drug induced violence or one of those Umbrella fucks.  
  
ROGER  
  
You shouldn't worry about that, with my constant change of your number you and I are the only persons who know it and people you know which are dealers and whores.  
  
JOHN  
  
Obviously.  
  
ROGER  
  
Well, anyways, get to the park as quickly as possible. You got a new assignment.  
  
JOHN  
  
Shit, I was planning to watch Under Siege 2.  
  
ROGER  
  
(snickering)  
  
Really?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah, it's a criminally underrated movie.  
  
ROGER  
  
Well you can watch it when you get back.  
  
JOHN  
  
That's the downside of this job, not being able to know if you're coming back. Or maybe I can watch it today, you just call the big man and tell him I have a fever or something.  
  
ROGER  
  
You know I can't do that.  
  
JOHN  
  
Oh come on. Please, please, please, please, please.  
  
ROGER  
  
No! The "big man" can see everything.  
  
JOHN  
  
Like an eviler version Santa?  
  
ROGER  
  
Yeah, and besides, what would your father do if he knew you're planning to watch a Steven Seagal movie?  
  
JOHN  
  
I guess he'd turn in his mob supplied watery grave.  
  
ROGER  
  
Exactly! So please come to the park I'm feeling somewhat vunerable, then I'll tell you the basics of the job and you can tell me if you take it or dump it like a one night standee.  
  
JOHN  
  
Alright, I need to get out of this hellhole anyway  
  
(screaming down at the floor)  
  
Cause my air conditioning hasn't been repaired yet!  
  
MS. GOLDSTEIN  
  
I told you you're on my list!  
  
John looks under the bed and takes out a pair of shoes, he puts them on and takes a look around his room.  
  
JOHN  
  
(To himself)  
  
What a mess, I should hire a maid. And a sexy one at it.  
  
He opens the door and exits.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT.-STREET-MORNING  
  
John exits his building and stand alone on the sidewalk, he raises his arm and a cab stops, he opens the door and sets foot on the cab.  
  
DRIVER  
  
Hey, buddy, I didn't stop for you. I stopped for the lady.  
  
A woman unnoticed by John enters the cab, he closes the door and screams angrily at the cab as it drives away.  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah the prospect of getting head is hard to resist, isn't it,? You fat fuck!  
  
As he continues with his madman ramblings a cab pulls up in front of him. He looks to the left, then to the right, down, and finally up, he opens the door.  
  
JOHN  
  
At least god's still on my side.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-CAB-MORNING  
  
The driver looks quite happy as John sits down, he fixes the rearview mirror, and throws all the crumbs of his seat to a corner.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Where can I take you.  
  
JOHN  
  
The park.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Which one?  
  
JOHN  
  
You know, THE park.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Oh, yeah, sorry for the stupid question.  
  
JOHN  
  
Don't be, those type of questions are one of the bases of our society.  
  
The driver starts, you know, driving, while he looks into the rearview mirror to see the relection of his passenger.  
  
JOHN  
  
You seem overly happy, are you sure you should be driving?  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
No, it's my first day on the job and you're my first passenger.  
  
JOHN  
  
Don't I get a prize like wax or something?  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Well I have wax and some illegal substances the previous driver left in the back seat, help yourself if you like.  
  
JOHN  
  
Thanks, and let me give you some pointers, don't be that overly happy or people are gonna think you're planning on killing them or using them to unload your carnal desires.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Oh I would never do that, I have a wife back home, do you have a wife?  
  
JOHN  
  
I'm not even old enough to get a drivers license, I mean yeah it could be possible if I found the right girl and a man of the cloth that's starting to doubt his vows.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
What about pets? I have a dog and a cat they don't really like each other but you know what they say, hate leads to love.  
  
JOHN  
  
Eww.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
I've also got two children? Do you have children? Oh sorry, I forgot. But I guess you can get a girl pregnant at your age, have you? Because I did but I love my wife and she loves me I guess, for a certain period of time I started to doubt her loyalty but I was wrong, thankfully. Where do you live? How much do you pay for your living quarters? I pay a lot so that's why I took this job, my wife said not to venture into this somewhat dangerous business but here I am aren't I? But maybe I could be wrong, so I got a job interview for a desk job they said they'd call me back but they haven't is that a good sign or a bad sign, I think it's a good sign because they were awed by my performance, I was an actor for some time in my youth are you an actor?  
  
JOHN  
  
(Angry)  
  
No I'm not a freakin' actor! I don't care about your fucking life and I don't care about you poking your nose into my private affairs, I mean what is this a fucking HBO show? Just shut up and drive!  
  
The driver looks hurt and saddened by the response, he stops.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
(Grim)  
  
Get out of the car, please.  
  
JOHN  
  
Look, sorry, I just woke up early and…  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Please get out, sir.  
  
JOHN  
  
I'm not getting out!  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Well I'm not going to move.  
  
JOHN  
  
Ok, fine, so let's just stay here!  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Fine by me, I have no obligations to attend to.  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah, me neither!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT.PARK-DAY  
  
A digital watch marks 8:00, the chunky hand checking it moves and we see Roger, an overweight man but not as piggish as John likes to think.  
  
ROGER  
  
Where in the hell is that piece of shit?  
  
He looks around desperately and kicks the ground, a hot dog car passes him by.  
  
HOT DOG GUY  
  
Hot dogs! Anyone want hot dogs! I got my kids college to pay and this job doesn't pay much.  
  
ROGER  
  
Give me one.  
  
The hot dog guy turns to Roger and starts wheeling it away.  
  
HOT DOG GUY  
  
You already had two.  
  
ROGER  
  
So I want another one!  
  
HOT DOG GUY  
  
(A beat)  
  
Alright, I really don't care about the health of my customers.  
  
He serves the hot dog and hands it to Ralph, he give the HD guy the money, he starts wheeling the car away again.  
  
ROGER  
  
Hey, what about the condiments?  
  
HOT DOG GUY  
  
I ran out. And why do you want them for anyways? A hog's anus was made to eat without condiments.  
  
Roger nods and takes a bite out of the anus, he looks at his watch again.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-CAB-MORNING  
  
Driver 2 is sleeping, head resting on the wheel, when John enters carrying a bottled water, when he closes the door the driver wakes up startled. He turns around.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
(Bitter)  
  
Oh, it's you.  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah, that right, baby. I'm back.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
So for the fifth and final time, would you please get out of the cab?  
  
JOHN  
  
Look, I'm sorry if I yelled at you, I just had a minor headache, what can I do to restore the gullible ol' cab driver?  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
You could get me some more juice.  
  
JOHN  
  
You like the juice huh?  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Yes, apple.  
  
JOHN  
  
I'll get you some juice.  
  
John leaves the cab while the driver's smile is starting to get back on his face.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT.-PARK-DAY  
  
Roger looks angry and relieved when he looks at John getting out of the cab.  
  
ROGER  
  
Finally after two whole fucking hours! What did you do stop for a bottled water? This is so like you.  
  
JOHN  
  
Hey, a man is not the car he drives, the credit cards he owns or the bottled water he drinks.  
  
The driver pokes his head out the window.  
  
DRIVER  
  
Sir that'll be a hundred dollars plus tip, pleas.  
  
JOHN  
  
(Surprised)  
  
What?  
  
John turns to Roger.  
  
JOHN  
  
You got any money I can borrow?  
  
ROGER  
  
I spent it all on hot dogs!  
  
JOHN  
  
What? You pig! You cannibal!  
  
ROGER  
  
Stop it with the name calling!  
  
JOHN  
  
Ok, but what do we do about our good friend the driver?  
  
ROGER  
  
We run?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah, I run.  
  
They both run into the park and they never look back at the driver who leaves the cab carrying a gun.  
  
DRIVER  
  
Sirs, don't make me use this firearm! I don't know how to use it that well which makes me more of a threat!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-PARK-MORNING  
  
John and Roger, now walking calmly arrive at a two sided bench, John sits down in one side while Roger sits in the other. John turns around.  
  
JOHN  
  
What are you doing?  
  
ROGER  
  
I'm pretending we're in Mission Impossible and that I'm assigning me to a new mission.  
  
JOHN  
  
That's what you're doing.  
  
ROGER  
  
Yeah but you're no Tom Cruise.  
  
JOHN  
  
Shit I'm better than Maverick man I bet I could kick his and Iceman's asses.  
  
ROGER  
  
Keep dreaming, ok let's get serious.  
  
(clears throath)  
  
Password?  
  
JOHN  
  
What?  
  
ROGER  
  
What's the password?  
  
JOHN  
  
Uh--snootchie bootchies?  
  
Roger sighs.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well I wasn't given any password!  
  
ROGER  
  
Ok, so anyways, here's an envelope.  
  
JOHN  
  
I am in shock, appaled and awed by the discovery of the envelope.  
  
ROGER  
  
Just open the fucking envelope.  
  
Roger passes him an envelope, John puts his fingers on it but drops it on the bench, he smells his finger.  
  
JOHN  
  
What's this yellow sticky substance?  
  
ROGER  
  
It's mustard, genius.  
  
JOHN  
  
Fucking disgusting.  
  
ROGER  
  
Hey, you touch your "tool" every day and I don't fucking call you names.  
  
JOHN  
  
Cause every man that ever lived has tried it, it's just a practice as normal as taking a bath, which I think it's a journey into the unknown for you.  
  
ROGER  
  
Stop putting my personal hygiene on doubt and listen. Inside the envelope you'll find 4 pictures.  
  
John takes out 5 pictures, he looks at all of five of them rapidly.  
  
ROGER  
  
As you may notice all pictures are possible entrances into the place you have to go which is quite obviously an Umbrella facility.  
  
JOHN  
  
Wait, what's this other picture of you?  
  
He passes the picture to Roger and he smiles. We see a picture of him and a man with a cap that reads "I went to Episode's one premiere dressed as Jar Jar and live to tell the tale" and broken gloves topped off with ragged dirty clothes. They're both giving thumbs up to the camera.  
  
ROGER  
  
Oh, he's Hobo Joe, we live outside my hotel room waiting for my trash. He used to say one man's trash is another man's lunch. Anyways there's a map of the state you're going to, I circled the important places and if you can't find you're way I added another map, not as useful but I think that knowledge escapes you from tieme to time.  
  
John takes out an airless plastic globe, the united states is circled in red marker and "you're here" written all over it. Roger snickers.  
  
JOHN  
  
I don't find this the least bit funny. I mean it this is something out of a bad fanfiction.  
  
ROGER  
  
What?  
  
JOHN  
  
Nothing.  
  
ROGER  
  
Anyways, there's also the key to your motel and a number of the man that will be assisting you in your mission.  
  
JOHN  
  
What about a plane ticket?  
  
ROGER  
  
Well if you make a thorough search in the envelope you'll find a small piece of paper. It has the name of the place you're going.  
  
JOHN  
  
So I have to pay for my own ticket? Why don't you just buy me one?  
  
ROGER  
  
Budget cuts. I can't say nothing more.  
  
Roger stands up and walks away quickly.  
  
JOHN  
  
Hey, come back!  
  
John stands up to chase him but he quickly realizes it's useless. He waves him off and starts walking out of the park.  
  
JOHN  
  
Hope I have enough money for a cab AND a plane ticket.  
  
A "gate" made of plants moves suspiciously, John stops for a second but keeps walking but something jumps in front of him.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Aha!  
  
John is startled by the driver, who waves his gun desperately in front of John.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Now if you would be so kind to pay.  
  
JOHN  
  
(Screaming)  
  
Cops! Rape!  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Even though I am a newcomer in your city I already know, sadly, that your pleads will have no effect.  
  
The driver keeps getting the gun closer to John.  
  
JOHN  
  
Man you seem like a nice guy, don't make me get medieval on your ass.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
I'll get Renesaince on your ass before that happens.  
  
JOHN  
  
Really?  
  
John kicks him in the face and the driver falls to the floor.  
  
JOHN  
  
Tell me, how does it feel to be nearly unconscious on a street where horses and homeless people have relieved themselves since the dawn of time?  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
It's suddenly uncomfortable.  
  
JOHN  
  
Thought so. Another pointer, don't stalk people, a lot of people take self defense courses. Some actually get something out of those. But you're a nice guy so here's my card. After I get back to town I'll be swimming in a filthy yet rewarding, pool of money.  
  
The driver looks at the card it reads "John Nolan, will do anything non sexual for money. Specialties: Stealing and blowing shit up"  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Very professional.  
  
JOHN  
  
Thanks, well If you excuse me, I have some deadly virus to steal.  
  
DRIVER 2  
  
Good luck with that!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-PLANE-DAY  
  
John walks past the row of seats until he finds his own and sits down, he looks out the window and prepares for a nice trip when this chucky looking boy sits right next to him.  
  
MOTHER  
  
Ok sweety you just stay here quietly until mommy comes to get you, ok?  
  
DEVIL CHILD  
  
Ok.  
  
The mother leaves and devil child turns towards John who has a tired look on his face.  
  
DEVIL CHILD  
  
Hey, mister, wanna know what happens when you feed Alka Seltzer to a dog while I show you some polaroids I took?  
  
JOHN  
  
Tell me kid, do you like gladiator movies?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-PLANE-DAY  
  
While the plane lands bumpily a stewardess explains the gibberish she's told to do while people fumble for their luggage we get to John and Devil Child who looks traumatized.  
  
JOHN  
  
And that is the last position in the great book of…  
  
John abruptly stops when the mother grabs Devil Child by the hand.  
  
MOTHER  
  
So how was your ride, sweety?  
  
DEVIL CHILD  
  
Fucklicious!  
  
MOTHER  
  
(Alarmed)  
  
What did you just say, young man?  
  
John looks at his work satisfied while he gets his luggage, he walks out of the plane.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-AIRPORT-DAY  
  
John walks through the obviously new airport and finds himself facing a group of people holding name cards, he finds "ape with trace of speech" written on one. John walks up to him.  
  
JOHN  
  
(Muttering)  
  
Fucking Roger  
  
(To the driver)  
  
I think I'm the guy you're looking for  
  
RUDE DRIVER  
  
Sure you are.  
  
He looks over John's shoulder and starts waving the card like crazy, finally a group of people wheeling a cage with an ape inside it, someone hands it a banana.  
  
APE  
  
(Slurred)  
  
Thank you.  
  
John looks at the talking ape extremely weirded out.  
  
JOHN  
  
(To himself)  
  
You maniacs.  
  
A tough guy looking driver, Robert, stands up next to John.  
  
ROBERT  
  
Mr. Nolan?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah?  
  
ROBERT  
  
I'll be your driver for today.  
  
JOHN  
  
Oh, hey. Tell me, do you have a tape recorder or something? I want that ape to record a message for my answering machine.  
  
ROBERT  
  
You know I really don't appreciate your treatment towards me. You make me stand here like a moron for half an hour and now your gawking at some ape who might enslave the human race someday. If you wanna get back on my good side we're gonna have to leave.  
  
JOHN  
  
But, still, that's not a very common thing.  
  
ROBERT  
  
Believe me he'll be shooting a buddy cop movie with Eddie Murphy or Jackie Chan in no time, now let's get going.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-CAB-DAY  
  
John and Robbie enter the cab. John lays down while Robbie starts the vehicle.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Had a rough trip or something?  
  
JOHN  
  
Well there was this little kid seating beside in the plane and just to have some fun so I replaced the role of tv as a sex educator except my classes aren't censored.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
So Mr. Nolan, what brings you into our small town?  
  
JOHN  
  
Shouldn't you be asking that later on, it's a 2 hour drive.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
I'll ask whatever I wanna ask and I'll do it whenever I feel like doing it, so what brings you to our small town?  
  
JOHN  
  
Sightseeing.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
You go sightseeing into a small ghost town that's just starting to get noticed by fucking talking apes and pharmaceutical companies?  
  
JOHN  
  
And you know to… interact with people.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Interact with people? Ever since those Umbrella fucks came to town everybody went there to get a job and they fucking got it so my business is in the pits now!  
  
JOHN  
  
So why don't you get a job at Umbrella?  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Because I'm an ignorant person, I don't know how to use a gun, and I'm not smart enough to be scientist so I channel that ignorance into my driving.  
  
JOHN  
  
So basically you're a self conscious drunk driver.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
You could put it that way.  
  
JOHN  
  
So any strange going ons around here? Caniballistic attacks? Wild animals?  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Well I was assaulted by this dog after I tried to take his food away, you should see how fat this dog is, I was doing him a favor he could barely breath . He was like the canine, more masculine version of John Goodman!  
  
JOHN  
  
More masculine? Are you doubting John Goodman's love for pussy?  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Yeah, cause he's gay, everybody knows that.  
  
JOHN  
  
Man, 500 years ago, everyone knew that the sun circled around the earth. 200 years ago, everybody knew the earth was flat. The time it took me to deliver this little speech you thought John Goodman was gay, imagine what you'll know tomorrow.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Well I'm just saying I think he is, and if he is that's the way he rocks that's fine with me, I mean you haven't got anything against the gay community do ta?  
  
JOHN  
  
No, I'm comfortable around them. Until they start telling me how good I'd look on their bed but that's a whole different story.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
So you're not comfortable with gay people.  
  
JOHN  
  
I said I was until they started to treat me like a human tickle me elmo in drunk induced rants.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
You're just like everybody here, in this town there was a nice kid, everyone was proud of him until word got out he was an ass blaster and suddenly everyone hated him.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well I don't think people have anything against the gays themselves, they only feel threatened by them because of their bad fame.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Bad fame?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah! How would you feel if Ellen Bendergender and Rosie Odonnell were your spokepersons?  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Degeneres and Rosie are gay?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah it shocked me too.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
If I had a night with those gals…Let's just say I'd get em back on our side.  
  
JOHN  
  
My friend, you're in your 40's, your experimenting time is over. You have to settle down and have kids cause if you ever try to go behind enemy lines with em you're just gonna give our team a bad name.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Well you're no head turner yourself.  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah I'm really more of a neckbreaker.  
  
The cab pulls up, John takes a look at the sign of the motel.  
  
JOHN  
  
Motel 6?  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Home of the drug dealers and cheap escorts. That'll be 50 dollars and a juicy tip for mental anguish.  
  
JOHN  
  
Put it in the cardiff giant account.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
What account?  
  
John takes out his wallet and hands him a credit card, Roger Kerick's credit card.  
  
JOHN  
  
This account. Well thanks for the ride.  
  
ROBBIE  
  
You're welcome. And if you need a ride anywhere, give me a call.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well, in case I don't see ya..  
  
ROBBIE  
  
Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.  
  
John leaves the cab and takes out the keys to his room.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT-MOTERL ROOM-DAY  
  
John opens the door and lets light enter into the dark, dusty room. He throws his bag on the table and turns on the lights. He sits on the bed and turns on the tv.  
  
BROADCASTER  
  
(bored)  
  
And there's gonna be some rain here and there, winds might hit us too, but it's gonna be a good week here at the local weather station. A good long boring week.  
  
(Crying)  
  
For god sakes what am I doing? I should enjoy life more! What did I do to myself? I used to have so much potential!  
  
John changes the channel.  
  
HOST  
  
Ok kids let's all give a big hand to Rudolph the foamy yet not lethal dog!  
  
A man with a giant dog mask walks into the room , all the kids cheer until Rudolph hits a table and the mask is sent flying into the air. The kids gasp when they see the man underneath it.  
  
RUDOLPH  
  
Well—uh—I've become a real boy!  
  
All the kids start cheering while Rudolph takes a bow.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well at least it's better than the shit on MTV.  
  
He turns the tv off and walks towards towards his bag, he takes out the envelope and his half eye glasses. He takes out some notes and starts reading.  
  
JOHN  
  
(whispering to himself)  
  
Have extreme caution while infiltrating base, there are 5 ways to do so…  
  
A door can be heard opening in the other room next door.  
  
WOMAN  
  
(Rude)  
  
Ok drop your pants, let's make this fast.  
  
JOHN  
  
(Still whispering)  
  
There is a sewer that leads to a dead end but the use of a…  
  
MAN  
  
I've never done anything like this before.  
  
WOMAN  
  
(Rude)  
  
You don't say, well let's get going I have to pick my kids at their grandma's in an hour.  
  
MAN  
  
Well should I.. what should I do first?  
  
JOHN  
  
(Trying to ignore, whispering)  
  
If you are succesful in gaining entrance to the facility…  
  
WOMAN  
  
(Rude)  
  
Ow! What are you doing?  
  
MAN  
  
I saw my next door neighbor I thought it…  
  
JOHN  
  
(Whispering)  
  
That does it..  
  
(yelling)  
  
Hey buddy! Stop faking vunerability the lady is not impressed! So just shut up and let me read!  
  
MAN  
  
(Defensive)  
  
Hey! I'll do whatever I wanna do! I paid a hundred dollars for this bitch!  
  
WOMAN  
  
(Yelling)  
  
I told you I'm an escort!  
  
MAN  
  
And who are you to tell me what I have to do?  
  
JOHN  
  
A man who desires peace and quiet who happens to carry a gun!  
  
MAN  
  
You think that threatens me?  
  
JOHN  
  
Well you're obviously insecure around the female body!  
  
MAN  
  
Well it wasn't my fault my parents didn't approve of me having a relationship with a girl or a guy! I spent years living in their basement watching sci fi!  
  
JOHN  
  
Not that there's anything wrong with that!  
  
MAN  
  
I know, but you know I just wanna be loved is that so wrong?  
  
JOHN  
  
No, man, nothing wrong with that.  
  
MAN  
  
I have a lot of love to give!  
  
JOHN  
  
I can feel that man, you just touched a man's hearth!  
  
MAN  
  
How about you? You got any problems?  
  
JOHN  
  
Well I think my parents might have been ripped apart and eaten by some freaking monsters!  
  
MAN  
  
Is that a metaphor for government or corporate america?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah, I meant just that!  
  
MAN  
  
Did it change your life in a radical way?  
  
JOHN  
  
I've been chasing those freaks ever since! And I hate it! Hate it I tells ya!  
  
MAN  
  
You feel like you could use a hug?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yes!  
  
John opens the door and there's the man, near tears. He hugs John and they both start crying, the woman appears behind them looking extremely angry.  
  
WOMAN  
  
Am I gonna be toyed with or are you gonna cry all day?  
  
MAN  
  
If I may say so you're like a pocket watch. Preety to look at but not useful any more.  
  
The woman stomps off while the man still cries.  
  
JOHN  
  
Man I gotta go. I'm feeling uncomfortable. Man let go off me!  
  
John tries to get out of the man's arm but the man continues his embrace.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-ROOM-DAY  
  
The phone rings and it's quicly picked up by John .  
  
JOHN  
  
John speaking, but you should already know that.  
  
ROGER  
  
John, it's Roger. And I'm thankful in advance for refraining the Drew Carrey show-like insults.  
  
JOHN  
  
Ok, so why are you calling for?  
  
ROGER  
  
I'm just checking how things are going.  
  
JOHN  
  
They're going preety slowly, there's been a lot of talking, and not enjoyable talking. I wonder when the action's going to start and if it's gonna be good.  
  
ROGER  
  
What?  
  
JOHN  
  
That's the report of the situation , oh and I also had a sudden emotional moment with this man who turns out has a friend who is a cousin of a guy whose uncle knows a traveling weapons salesman and he told . I mean he's doing me a big favor by calling all of the people in this inticate circle of acquaintances.  
  
ROGER  
  
Well, call me when something new happens. And your new partner in crime should be knocking in your door by now.  
  
JOHN  
  
Does he now about the possibility about being gutted halfway through the mission?  
  
ROGER  
  
No, but I think it would be better if he found out on his own.  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah.  
  
John picks up a cup of coffee and takes a sip, his eyes widen in shock and he throws the cup to the floor and screams.  
  
ROGER  
  
John, what's going on?  
  
JOHN  
  
I'm on fire!  
  
John picks up a bucket and runs out of the room.  
  
ROGER  
  
John, is it Umbrella? Have you been playing with matches again? John? John!  
  
(resigned, talking to someone)  
  
Shit. Hey would you call the boss and tell him to get me another guy for the suicide mission? Thank you.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT.-HOTEL HALLWAY-DAY  
  
John rushes into the ice machine and fills the bucket rapidly, but only dirty water is dispensed, nevertheless he puts his head in the bucket.  
  
VOICE  
  
Hey!  
  
John takes his head out, dripping wet. He faces the man, SPIKE, probably late twenties or early thirties. Somehwhat hansome, confident, and with a certain air of minimal vunerability.  
  
SPIKE  
  
If you want ice there's a machine in the lobby, unless you enjoy dipping your head on a midget's version of a public pool.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well that's something that would've been useful a minute ago. You the guy I'm supposed to meet?  
  
SPIKE  
  
You John?  
  
JOHN  
  
You the guy I'm supposed to meet?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Well if I just said your name then yeah I am the guy you're supposed to meet.  
  
JOHN  
  
So you are.  
  
SPIKE  
  
I guess.  
  
JOHN  
  
So you don't know?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Well I'm not sure you're John.  
  
JOHN  
  
I am.  
  
SPIKE  
  
So we've met.  
  
JOHN  
  
So we have.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Wanna get some lunch?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah, diner down the street?  
  
SPIKE  
  
But don't you have lunch in your room?  
  
JOHN  
  
Yeah but room service is terribly overrated.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT-DINER-DAY  
  
John and Spike enter the diner, they look around for a booth and sit down in the right side of the diner. A waitress hands them two menus.  
  
WAITRESS  
  
I'll take your orders in a few minutes.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Thank you. Miss, wait a minute, has Umbrella done anything to affect your life?  
  
WAITRESS  
  
Well my son went up to the labs for some studies to get some money to finance a film he's been planning.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Oh, thanks a lot.  
  
(To John)  
  
I know it wasn't subtle but someone had to it, right?  
  
John nods.  
  
JOHN  
  
So, partner in crime, know what methods we're gonna use in the mission?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Well, I think if we're gonna be around each other for a while you should better know my name.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well you're not gonna be aound that much but go on, tell me your name.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Name's Spike.  
  
John let's a loud harsh HA escape his mouth, Spike looks at him confused.  
  
SPIKE  
  
What's so funny?  
  
JOHN  
  
Well cause I think Spike is a name you give to dogs or dicks.  
  
SPIKE  
  
So I'm a dick?  
  
JOHN  
  
Guilty by association.  
  
Spike grabs John by the neck and crashes his head against the table and holds it against it. He stabs a fork on the table.  
  
SPIKE  
  
You were saying?  
  
JOHN  
  
That the name is Spike is only for badasses like the guy in Buffy? You ever seen the show? I wish I were that guy!  
  
SPIKE  
  
Good enough.  
  
He lets John sit up, Spike opens the menu and John does the same.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Shit..  
  
JOHN  
  
What?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Would you look at this menu?  
  
(reading)  
  
Cheese sandwish, tuna sandwish, jam sandwish, hamburger in the form of sandwish, cheese sandwish revisited.  
  
JOHN  
  
So?  
  
SPIKE  
  
I'm growing weary of sandwishes!  
  
JOHN  
  
What are you kidding me? Sandwishes was probably the first meal ever eaten in a civilized fashion.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Thanks for proving my point. Variety should be appreciated.  
  
JOHN  
  
Why do you want variety when you have something proven?  
  
SPIKE  
  
So you'd rather have the same thing instead of experimenting? You don't want to taste something better than sandwish or hamburgers?  
  
JOHN  
  
Now you're messing with hamburgers?  
  
SPIKE  
  
They're the same thing as sandwishes just that cow takes the place of jam, cheese, and sausages if you don't have the right ingredients!  
  
JOHN  
  
So you're hate for hamburgers proves how wrong you are! There's a lot of wrappers littering the streets of major cities that proves my point!  
  
SPIKE  
  
Just because people pick fast food doesn't mean they like it, people like to go on a night out to a fancy restaurant.  
  
JOHN  
  
So that's better than sandwishes and hamburgers?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Yeah, there's actual food in there.  
  
JOHN  
  
There's no food! It's just a way to eat extravangant things that you've always wanted to try without being called a maniac. And you can just put it between two slices of bread so it's a sandwish. There is nothing in the world that can't be turned into a sandwish. We're the ruling class man, just accept it.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-DINER-DUSK  
  
Spike breaks a cracker over a bowl of soup while John finishes his sandwish. He puts a creamer in the middle of the table and some napkins surrounding it.  
  
JOHN  
  
Ok let's start planning. This creamer represents the facility, these napkins are the gates, so I wanna know what you think is our best way in.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Well from some of the pictures I saw a manhole almost in front of it, so maybe that's our best way in.  
  
JOHN  
  
A sewer? A river of shit? Rather get shot in the boys, man.  
  
SPIKE  
  
What, you're not comfortable with your shit?  
  
JOHN  
  
Somewhat, I'm comfortable when it's being flushed away. Not when it decides to stay for a while and cover the way out for the other guests.  
  
SPIKE  
  
But there's no renegade shit down there.  
  
JOHN  
  
Ok, stop talking about the shit! It's vulgar even for my standards. Let's just pay and get going with our mission.  
  
SPIKE  
  
So you got the guns?  
  
JOHN  
  
Not yet, gonna meet a contact back in the motel.  
  
They both get up and head for the cash register, John crashes against a man when he gets there. The man hands the money to the cashier.  
  
JOHN  
  
Excuse me but I was here first.  
  
MAN  
  
But I paid first.  
  
JOHN  
  
Exactly so I think you should be held here by the use of petty talk until I leave.  
  
MAN  
  
Man, we have things to do, so if you could excuse me before I blow your brains out.  
  
The man leaves the diner with a guy he got to the register with.  
  
JOHN  
  
So what do you have to do? Fuck each other?  
  
SPIKE  
  
(To john)  
  
What makes you think he didn't have the right to pay before you?  
  
JOHN  
  
Because I'm me! I'm the center of my universe!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT.-MOTEL-NIGHT  
  
John and Spike get to the lobby of the motel, we see a guy with a leather jacket, a cap, and suitcases in front of the receptionist, he takes out a gun. She looks frightened yet thrilled.  
  
MAN  
  
Yeah, this turns you on, doesn't it?  
  
JOHN  
  
(To the man)  
  
Hey! Bob sent you?  
  
MAN  
  
Yeah, bitch tits told me I had a potential customer around here. But I have to check something first. Are you gonna use it as a tool to end your life?  
  
JOHN  
  
No.  
  
MAN  
  
Are you gonna use it against me?  
  
JOHN  
  
Maybe not.  
  
MAN  
  
Ok, let's get going.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-MOTEL ROOM-NIGHT  
  
A suitcase is opened filled with weapons, John looks unimpressed while Spike looks dazed.  
  
JOHN  
  
What's the matter with you?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Lots of guns here.  
  
JOHN  
  
I know, pick one, or a dozen. It all goes to Roger's account.  
  
John picks up an Uzi and starts trading it with guns. Spike gets a handgun and puts it on the table.  
  
SPIKE  
  
I'll take it.  
  
JOHN  
  
Man you're supposed to be a tough guy! Haven't you handled guns before?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Well yeah, but they were assigned  
  
JOHN  
  
Ok, why don't you grab this shotgun? You look like a shotgun guy.  
  
MAN  
  
What are you talking about? In other life this guy could've been a model? Here try this one.  
  
The man hands him a small handgun.  
  
JOHN  
  
Now what pain is he going to inflict with this?  
  
MAN  
  
He looks like a classical Bond. Small gun, big dick.  
  
JOHN  
  
Just grab a shotgun.  
  
SPIKE  
  
(hapy)  
  
I think I'll follow the suggestion from the experts.  
  
JOHN  
  
Now what about me? What do you recommend?  
  
MAN  
  
You seem like a bomb just waiting for someone to cut the wrong wire so just take your pick, they all cause destruction.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well I'll just take the suitcase.  
  
John starts to place guns stategicaly around his clothes.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT.-ROAD-NIGHT  
  
A green building surrounded by light is reflected on the windshield of the van. It's eerie, yet somewhat comforting. Spike takes out some binoculars and takes a good look.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Let's get knee-deep in shit.  
  
JOHN  
  
What? Why?  
  
SPIKE  
  
There's guards with assault rifles over there, that spells trouble with a capital T and R in a word written by a bum.  
  
Spike heads for the manhole, he takes it off and throws himself into the sewer. John looks down.  
  
SPIKE  
  
What's the matter?  
  
JOHN  
  
Ever since my grandmother told me rats carry more diseases than the monkey in Outbreak I've been more paranoid of them than Mulder is of alien conspiracies.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Rats in a sewer? Are you kidding me? There's only alligators around here!  
  
JOHN  
  
(alarmed)  
  
What?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Just jump already! I'll try to catch but I'd probably miss!  
  
JOHN  
  
(To himself)  
  
Here goes something disgusting.  
  
He jumps into the sewers.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-SEWERS-NIGHT  
  
John falls into the murky waters and ths splash covers them both.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Was that supposed to be funny?  
  
JOHN  
  
No.  
  
They both take their flashlights out and turn them on. They start walking through the waters. An omnious echo fills the tunnels but goes unnoticed.  
  
JOHN  
  
Yep. If it keeps as calm as this this mission could be just another average walk in the sewers.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT-SEWERS-NIGHT(LATER)  
  
The straight dynamic duo still walk through the sewers but stop as their flashlights start failing, soon the beam of light is no more.  
  
JOHN  
  
Great. Pass me the batteries.  
  
SPIKE  
  
What?  
  
JOHN  
  
The batteries!  
  
SPIKE  
  
I don't have any batteries.  
  
JOHN  
  
Fuck! That's why we stopped at the seven eleven!  
  
SPIKE  
  
I stopped to go to the bathroom and get my would be last meal burrito!  
  
JOHN  
  
You knew we were gonna walk through a dark sewer! Why didn't you bring batteries?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Because batteries cost a lot of money!  
  
JOHN  
  
If my chances of survival didn't rely in our team work I would just shoot you in the—  
  
The sound is heard again, three different times, one after the other.  
  
JOHN  
  
(weakly)  
  
What was that?  
  
SPIKE  
  
(weakly)  
  
I thought it was the fabric of your clothes!  
  
JOHN  
  
(Weak, recognicing)  
  
Shit I remember that noise!  
  
FLASHBACK TO:  
  
INT.-LAB-NIGHT  
  
A younger John fumbles with some test tubes as red light flashes lighten the room, John's dog barks like crazy but the blaring alarms drown him off. A figure slowly lands in front of John, he looks at it with a "what the fuck" face. He takes a shotgun from his coat but the shadow slaps him off.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-SEWERS-NIGHT  
  
John and Spike remain silent as the sounds get closer and closer. Spike hits John in the shoulder.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Hey.  
  
JOHN  
  
What?  
  
SPIKE  
  
You've just stared at the same fucking wall since you said  
  
(mocking)  
  
Shit I remember that noise!  
  
JOHN  
  
Well what the fuck does it matter? Even if I told you it wouldn't make a difference.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Ok, I have a plan. Hug me.  
  
JOHN  
  
What?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Hug me! Maybe those fucks can't see us in the dark if we blend with it.  
  
JOHN  
  
No fucking way, man.  
  
Spike hugs John, he tries to pull away.  
  
JOHN  
  
Let me go!  
  
SPIKE  
  
Shh, they're getting closer.  
  
JOHN  
  
What if they see us and we get killed?  
  
(sarcastic)  
  
Well I don't care cause this is a great way to die! Celebrating your newfound homosexuality in a sewer!  
  
John is finally free from Spike's grasp.  
  
JOHN  
  
You got something we can burn?  
  
SPIKE  
  
No, but I always wanted a viking funeral just after I died.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well why don't we just save your relatives the troubles?  
  
John takes out his lighter and puts the flame right next to Spike, he hits the arm away from him.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Wait I can see everything now.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well I can't, give me something to burn!  
  
Spike reaches into John's pocket and takes out a book.  
  
SPIKE  
  
And what is this?  
  
JOHN  
  
Give it back!  
  
SPIKE  
  
Why don't you just burn this book?  
  
JOHN  
  
Because it's not just a book it's THE book.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Why did you bring a bible for?  
  
JOHN  
  
Well I figured that if I'm being surrounded by zombies and ran out of ammo I could take out the book and read John 3: 16.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Why John 3: 16?  
  
JOHN  
  
Well I've seen people with colorful afros carry a sign that read John 3: 16. So I figured if it's that popular it's a sure fire way to get into the Buena Vista Heaven Club.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Just burn the thing! It's not like there's not enough bibles, and besides there's no way you're going to heaven.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well burning the thing might get me raped by the devil!  
  
SPIKE  
  
Everybody in hell gets raped by that gay bitch.  
  
The sounds stop. They both stay quiet and John sets the book on fire. The flame lights the tunnels faintly better but it's enough to see three banderstantches almost in front of them.  
  
SPIKE  
  
What the fuck…  
  
JOHN  
  
My thoughts exactly.  
  
The bandersnatch in the middle tries to attack John with his arm, but they both get out of the way. John hits the wall and the bandersnatch tries to attack again, John throws the flaming bible right in front of his chest and ducks. The bandersnatch wholes the bible against the wall and it starts to set on fire, John takes out his uzi and empties the clip on the snatch's shoulder making the arm fall off. The snatch wails in pain, John grabs the arm in the part yet untouched by the flames with all his strenght but it's almost not enough. John swings it against the disabled snatch and hits it right in the face, breaking it's neck.  
  
Spike takes out his handgun and uses it on a snatch closing in on him but to no effet, he runs out of bullets and tries changing clips but the snatch just makes him too nervous, John swings the flaming arm by the snatch. It turns around and grabs the "flame arm", it pulls him towards it but the snatch gets out of the way and John hits the wall and falls to the floor unconscious—maybe dead. The team of snatches close in on John but Spike, now carrying two handguns, fires into the air.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Hey, you fucks! Have you forgotten about me? Why don't you try to eat me? I taste just as good as him! No scratch that, I taste better because judging by the stories he told me he's a mad cow.  
  
The bandersnatchers just stare at Spike but attack him nontheless. The snatch in the left grabs a pipe by the ceiling and swings over to Spike. He starts shooting the arm but the snatch continues and is finally in front of Spike, he puts the handgun in front of the chest of the snatch and shoots. The bullet goes straight through its heart and it falls dead.  
  
Spike celebrates but the remaining snatch grabs him by the head and starts swinging him while crushing his head. He screams in pain as a bone is heard cracking, and cracks again, Spike looks almost uncoscious but is awakened as blood covers his body. The snatch falls dead letting go of Spike while John, face covered with bruises, loads the uzi.  
  
SPIKE  
  
(overhwhelmed)  
  
What the fuck are this things?!  
  
JOHN  
  
They're bandersnatches, monsters whose long arm make up for their lack of dicks.  
  
SPIKE  
  
(still overwhelmed)  
  
How the fuck did they get here?  
  
JOHN  
  
Well someone either took the mother of all shit-a-thons…  
  
John shoots the dead bandersnatch again and again.  
  
JOHN(CONT'D)  
  
Or they sucker punched their way out of their areas.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Hey, why are you wasting ammo?  
  
JOHN  
  
I'm emulating George Clooney as Seth in From Dusk Till Dawn to vent my rage, I do that when I've been hitting a wall at an incredible speed resulting in my face hurting like hell.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Well my head was almost crushed and you don't see me with an attitude.  
  
JOHN  
  
Well even though having an attitude is harmful for your friendships it's also good because then you wouldn't lash out at them with an axe when they least expect it.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Yeah I usually give them a five second warning and then I go Jack Nicholson in their asses.  
  
JOHN  
  
Really?  
  
SPIKE  
  
No.  
  
JOHN  
  
Cause it would be a cool twist to your persona, you being a psychotic killer who tries to backstab me in the mission rather than a guy who thinks he's Sean fucking Connery.  
  
SPIKE  
  
George Lazenby, the criminally underrated Bond.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-SEWERS-NIGHT(MOMENTS LATER)  
  
The straight dynamic duo keep walking through the sewers until they see a light by the side of the tunnel, they run straight to it and see that inside, a lab, is completely destroyed. Tubes all over the place, a hole in the door, and a man in a biohazard suit lying on a table.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Those dickless sons of bitches really made a mess around here.  
  
John starts walking towards the man on the table.  
  
SPIKE  
  
What do you think happened to that guy?  
  
JOHN  
  
Well he either felt asleep in the worst moment possible or he's halfway to the cool world by now.  
  
John takes off the helmet and the head of the man is crushed, like a tortilla rolled up.  
  
JOHN  
  
Halfway to the cool world.  
  
SPIKE  
  
So you think what we're looking for is right here?  
  
JOHN  
  
Man, there's no chance in hell the virus is here, we made a mortal sin so finding the virus is not gonna be a walk in the sewer .I'm surprised that god let us live after burning a bible. Either he let his guard off, or he's gonna make this a ball busting mission with us being the bustees, or he just let it slip.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Or he's just waiting for you to die so he can sentence you to hell.  
  
JOHN  
  
Probably.  
  
John takes off the rest of the man's suit and looks for something—anything but the man has outlived his usefulness and there's nothing to be found. John tries the door but it won't budge, he goes to a double sided mirror and tries looking at what waits in the other side. Spike looks towards the door through and sees something, fast, run through the other room.  
  
SPIKE  
  
John, could you give me a shotgun, please?  
  
JOHN  
  
What you're already giving up? Poked yourself with a test tube or something?  
  
SPIKE  
  
Just pass me the shotgun.  
  
A sound, like claws against wood, disappear. John is oblivious of them and passes the shotgun, the sounds appear again.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Now step away from the mirror.  
  
JOHN  
  
What?  
  
The sound starts again, faster.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Now!  
  
John takes out two handguns and points them towards the mirror.  
  
SPIKE  
  
John move out the way!  
  
The sounds grow faster. Once, twice and they disappear. John jumps towards the table in the middle of the room but he still faces the mirror. Then the thing Spike saw jumps through the mirror, a hunter. John starts shooting the hunter with all of the bullets in the handgun but it seems to consider it a nuisance, a painful nuisance but still a nuisance. The hunter raises it's arm and gets ready to swipe but it's sent flying against the wall while John lands on the body and the table which makes them both fall to the floor. John turns towards Spike who tries another shot at the hunter who slides of the wall, leaving a trail of blood behind.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Ran out of ammo, hey pass one of the boxes of shells.  
  
John takes out a box from his backpack and hands them to Spike who starts loading the shotgun up oblivious to the sound of glass being stepped on in the other room. John starts to fumble through his pockets looking for something to use. The normal sound of the previous hunter is heard but it's to late, when Spike looks up the hunter is there about to slice him open.  
  
But the hunter is taken out of his path by a fireball causing it to hit the wall, it falls to the floor like a dead weight, fireball beside it.  
  
JOHN  
  
Hey, if you've noticed I've saved your life twice.  
  
SPIKE  
  
I'm not saying something as cheesy as run a tab, but thanks.  
  
JOHN  
  
I'm not saying something like you're supposed to be my slave until you save my life, but your welcom.  
  
SPIKE  
  
What did you use for that fireball.  
  
JOHN  
  
I went Highlander on the dead guy and set his head on fire.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Well now you're a head burner and a bible burner.  
  
JOHN  
  
I'm also a flag burer but the whole building burned down with it so it's just regular arson.  
  
The great ball of fire causes the hunter to go up and flames, it wakes up and starts swiping at everything like crazy, he breaks through the door and hits a desk in the other room causing it to fll on its back.  
  
SPIKE  
  
So what do we do now?  
  
JOHN  
  
We get the fuck out of this room armed to the theeth cause it's obvious we're not gonna be safe out there. And when we stumble on some corpse or a zombie we look for this virus on them we even check their asses in case they hid it there—well you look in their asses. But first let's take that Hunter out cause he's more dangerous than a drugged up monkey that was just given a full arsenal and is currently having visions of his abusive father.  
  
They both start to walk out of the room through the hole in the door.  
  
SPIKE  
  
Why can't you ever use a simple analogy?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT.-LAB SUPERVISION-NIGHT  
  
We see the last glimpses of life through the Hunter's POV, flames are the only thing we see until Spike and John appear, looking down at it, they both point their guns and—-nothingness. 


End file.
